In case you were wondering, my 4th of July holiday was very relaxing and low-key. Some might even say it was normal. While normality is great for most people (and trust me, I enjoyed my vacation immensely), it does makes for a terrible blog entry. Seriously, how can I make offensive jokes and random non-sequiturs off of a weekend of boating, relaxing, and drinking lots of beer? I just cannot do it.
But what I can do is list my Top 10 Tweets I would have tweeted over the last two weeks had I ever signed up for Twitter. Now this is an easy way to make borderline offensive jokes and plenty of random thoughts. WINNING (is that even relevant anymore?)!!!
Got six feet of air while tubing on Lake Anna over the 4th. Would have hit seven feet had I not eaten half a tub of Cheese Balls beforehand. #notintothathealththingmuch
This is the tannest I have ever been. Good thing I whiten my teeth or else y’all lose me at night. #thatsracist
Master Cleanse Suggestion – eat two Vitatop corn muffins for breakfast. Only 200 calories (for both) and 80% of your daily fiber. #shithappens
Just celebrated my 5 year work anniversary and am still in their developmental program. Is there anyone who doesn’t think I’m retarded? #SlowDonnie
Has nine days upcoming in Boston with activities only planned for four of them. Might as well just rent a Mustang and eat at Twin Donuts all week. #memoriesofkeywest
I need 10 children in order to have a birthday party at the waterpark. Someone ready the Amber Alert at all nearby Chuckie Cheeses! #virginiaisforlovers
Pure Jeff workout video – start with hip abductors/adductors, move on to wrist curls, and end with stretching. Perfect! #doworkson
I know way too many Food Network TV personalities. I think I need to go back to the days where all I watched was rasslin. #notallofthesetweetsarefunny
In need of some serious R&R – rum and Ritalin. #interventionplease
I am kind of pissed that I had to be invited to use Google Plus. Don’t they know who the fuck I am? I guess not. #Facebookdoesnotlikethis
Perhaps I need to join Twitter for realsies. Here’s why: I can be funny at times, I spell as well as a twelve year old girl, and I desperately try to stay up on current slang. Um… WINNING?
