Universally Speaking

This might be my favorite post in the short history of this blog. Regardless of whether that turns out to be true, the following story brings a smile to my face every time I think about it. I hope you enjoy this just as much as I do.

For the last year and a half, I have been living with a retardedphone. While it is technically classified as a “smart” phone, it clearly has never been. From a touch screen that would freeze up every few minutes (in order to get it going, you would have to rub it up and down), the resending of text messages every time the phone restarted (leading to a bunch of confused conversations with the same person) and a “send” button that never worked (hey, who needs to pick up a phone call), these were just a few of the everyday issues with my phone. In summary, let’s just say that my HTC Touch Pro 2 phone could not even graduate beauty school.

So why did I keep a phone that was more retarded than its owner? Simple, I had no choice in phone as it was required by my last position (it’s free, I can’t complain that much). In addition, every time you do a warranty exchange with the phone, your upgrade date gets pushed back. This happened to me back in March when I was given the opportunity to upgrade. Or so I thought? Instead of being freed from the shackles of stupidity, due to an exchange the previous year, I was forced to keep my phone until August 15^th. Or I could get another retardedphone and wait even more months for an upgrade. Clearly, that was not going to happen.

When I woke up for work on August 15^th at 9:26am (I kid, it was closer to 10am), I immediately ordered my newest prized possession – an HTC Evo 4G. Note: I did not have an option in getting the 3d version, which was fine by me as I hate wearing those silly glasses. The phone arrived just in time for my birthday (btw - if you haven’t wished me a happy one by now, you are officially dead to me) and what a gift it was. Let me tell you about all the fun things my phone can do –

A fully functional Facebook app with check-ins!

A Twitter app that connects me with my page and notifies me of any incoming tweets!

A 8MP back camera and a 2ish MP front camera (which comes in handy since I could never take those stand next to me and smile pictures)

Words with Friends (more on this in a second)!

Angry Birds and other apps!

Swipe texting (which is super awesome)!

Pandora!

And the ability to make and take phone calls!

Most of you are probably thinking “Jeff, my phone does all of the above. Yours is not that special.” To which I say to you “This is my blog, fuck your phone and your couch.” I realize that is a tad mean thing to say but you have no idea the pain I went through with my retardedphone. It’s like dealing with a bunch of tools at work – I struggle with it everyday.

You see what I did there?

On a sidenote, even though I play it everyday, I hate Words with Friends. And it is not because I suck at it (my current record is 2-12). What kills me about the game is that it does not accept slang or dirty words which comprise about 90% of my vocabulary. Granted, I have snuck in a few dirty including merde (shit in francais), hoes, and penis (unfortunately, there is no such word as vagainatown). But in general, I am just not good at it. So I hate it.

That is about all I hate about the phone. Sure the battery drains rapidly thanks to being the king of social media but it’s a small price to pay. I am extremely satisfied with my new baby and the only thing that will be better is when I get around to destroying my old phone. To which, I have a few ideas in mind. Should I go all Mr. Chi City on it and deep fry that motherfucker? Probably not since I do not think a fried phone would go well with my greek yogurt diet. Should I decide to feel good like a gangsta and go medieval on it with a bat? Nah, I was part of a similar destruction in Wackass. Or should I do something completely out of the box – something that I have not even thought of yet? If only there was an app for that.

Where You'd Go?

 

What a week to return to blogging! This past week seemed like a perfect disaster of news. There was an earthquake on the East Coast, poor Jayden Smith’s parents finally said “never” to their marriage, and most importantly, Brenda Song from “Suite Life” is preggers all thanks to Miley Cyrus’s weird looking emo brother! And that was all in the same day! Throw in a weekend closing hurricane and it was definitely a week to remember. That said, I am glad that none of these events happened on my birthday as I do not like being overshadowed (why else am I 6’4”?).

So you are probably wondering where the hell I have been. Great question. Originally, I was planning on writing a blog after my July trip to Boston but never got around to it. And then I decided to wait until I hit 500 viewers until my next blog post. But that came and went (thanks to my new loyal Twitter fanbase). Finally, I guess I could make my triumphant return (complete with new entrance theme music) to write about my sister’s wedding. Rather, I will talk about all of the above. Why? Because you deserve it! Yay you.

I Think I’ll Go To Boston

I guess I should begin with my trip to Boston. In mid-July, I made my valiant return to my hometown for nine days of drinking, tanning, eating, and catching up with as many characters as I could find over that short period. Overall, I had fun even though it was one of the biggest mindfucks of my life. Even Ronnie would have recommended a Magnum sized mind condom.  If you have ever wondered what things would be like had you not made a certain decision, then this would have been the trip for you! Had I not moved to the lovely DMV, I would suspect that my weeklong Boston trip was just a snippet of what my life would be like. It was quite surreal. I mean I even went to the gym at the same time I used to!

The trip to Boston was also the pinnacle of my great summer tan and my beard experiment. I was at my brownest thanks to a combination of water park visits (haven’t been back there since unfortunately), a fourth of July lakehouse spectacular, and the following bodacious activities in Boston – two days on the Cape, one day boating, and one day at the beach in Boston. By the time I returned to DC, it would have been appropriate to call me UPS because there was a lot I could have done for you.

The beard was also another successful early summer spectacle. Even though the reviews were positive and I dropped $19.95 on a beard trimmer, the beard came to an end once I returned from Boston. Between a weeklong work function and my sister’s upcoming wedding, I needed to get myself in a clean and proper form. Will the beard make a return at some point?

Twittastic

Within a week, my love affair with Google Plus hit the skids. Almost immediately after its launch, G+ became the world’s largest internet sausage fest thanks to the fact that only guys got initial invites. Hence, most girls only received an invite from the creepy dudes who stalk them on Facebook. So why would any girl want to join G+ if she only knows of the creepers that are on there?  She wouldn’t. That’s why Google Plus is still a sausage fest and a website that I have not posted on for over a month (well until this blog post goes live).

For the record, I think I only sent out one invite to a girl. I am not that creepy.

With G+ DOA, I decided to expand my social media network by joining Twitter. The reasoning was two-fold: first, I wrote some damn funny tweets in my last blog update and second, I found myself checking certain people’s twitterpages daily anyway. Okay, maybe I am that creepy.

Anyway, why not create an account and have a one-stop news feed for all my favorites? So please follow your favorite internet savior (that would be me) @jsmall4000. Why 4000? Because it’s greater than 3000, silly. Together, we will tweet about random things that I find ironic and/or funny, retweet my favorite tweets from famous people (and Bree Olsen), and most importantly, kill time that could be spent working.

By the way, my favorite moment using Twitter so far – this tweet “seriously contemplating acupuncture. better do it before i ever cheat death. #fdv” got me two doctor followers. Sadly, both have unfollowed me by now. Sucks for them because my first appointment is next week!

Yes, I’m serious. Jeff vs. the needles will happen. Hopefully, I will be able to live tweet throughout it!

Wedding

A couple weeks ago, I attended my sister’s wedding. It was fun. That’s all.

And so this ends my summer wrap-up blog post. The good news is I am already working on the follow-up. Expect that by the end of the week unless I get tied up shuffling.

Tweet Tweet

In case you were wondering, my 4^th of July holiday was very relaxing and low-key. Some might even say it was normal. While normality is great for most people (and trust me, I enjoyed my vacation immensely), it does makes for a terrible blog entry. Seriously, how can I make offensive jokes and random non-sequiturs off of a weekend of boating, relaxing, and drinking lots of beer? I just cannot do it.

But what I can do is list my Top 10 Tweets I would have tweeted over the last two weeks had I ever signed up for Twitter. Now this is an easy way to make borderline offensive jokes and plenty of random thoughts. WINNING (is that even relevant anymore?)!!!

Got six feet of air while tubing on Lake Anna over the 4^th. Would have hit seven feet had I not eaten half a tub of Cheese Balls beforehand. #notintothathealththingmuch

This is the tannest I have ever been. Good thing I whiten my teeth or else y’all lose me at night. #thatsracist

Master Cleanse Suggestion – eat two Vitatop corn muffins for breakfast. Only 200 calories (for both) and 80% of your daily fiber. #shithappens

Just celebrated my 5 year work anniversary and am still in their developmental program. Is there anyone who doesn’t think I’m retarded? #SlowDonnie

Has nine days upcoming in Boston with activities only planned for four of them. Might as well just rent a Mustang and eat at Twin Donuts all week. #memoriesofkeywest 

I need 10 children in order to have a birthday party at the waterpark. Someone ready the Amber Alert at all nearby Chuckie Cheeses! #virginiaisforlovers

Pure Jeff workout video – start with hip abductors/adductors, move on to wrist curls, and end with stretching. Perfect! #doworkson

I know way too many Food Network TV personalities. I think I need to go back to the days where all I watched was rasslin. #notallofthesetweetsarefunny

In need of some serious R&R – rum and Ritalin. #interventionplease

I am kind of pissed that I had to be invited to use Google Plus. Don’t they know who the fuck I am? I guess not. #Facebookdoesnotlikethis

Perhaps I need to join Twitter for realsies. Here’s why: I can be funny at times, I spell as well as a twelve year old girl, and I desperately try to stay up on current slang. Um… WINNING?

Baby (Got) Back Ribs

 

Want to know a secret about me? I like food. Even though I look famished most of the time, the truth is I know how to put down. While I will not say I could compete and win at most Man vs. Food challenges, I definitely can eat like a fat kid when I want to. And most of the time, I want to. My stomach is a gift and a curse at all times.

This past weekend, my roommate and I decided to get our grub on at the National Capital Barbeque Battle. While the battle for the nation’s best bbq is the main attraction, there is plenty of other activities to partake in. For instance, you can take your picture with the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. Or if that’s not exciting enough, you can do what I did – blow $50 on a variety of ‘que. I mean, what else do I need to spend money on? Women? HA. But I digress.

I began with my personal favorite – a beef brisket sandwich. Now this sandwich was awesome. The brisket was lean, the sauce to beef ratio was good, and most importantly, take a look at those buns! Potato! This sandwich was a dream come true. After finishing in record time, I knew it was time for seconds. But as good as that brisket was, I was now in the mood for some pulled pork. (For the record, I was also given a rib bone around the time I ate the brisket sandwich. Just in case you thought I was hatin’ on baby back ribs.)

Unfortunately, the pulled pork sandwich was not up to par with the brisket. Instead of waiting on one of the longer lines for food, I went to the first empty station. What a bad idea. So lesson learned – always wait in line for the good bbq.  Anyway, the problem with the pulled pork was in the execution. First, the sauce was sweet and not smokey. I guess that’s fine if you are used to spare ribs from Asia Wok but I need my ribs just like forests needs bears – smokey. Second, the bread was only decent. Sure the main attraction is the meat but it has to be surrounded by a good supporting cast. Lastly, it was kinda cold. And there is just no excuse for that. Lamesauce all around.

At this point, I began to feel a bit sick from ingesting over one pound of meat in under thirty minutes. So I began looking for alternatives to bbq. And there were plenty. A free Oscar Meyer hot dog began to warm my spirits (and my tummy). Then I finally got a drink to quench my thirst. Now hydrated and feeling a tad better, it was time for dessert.

Up first, Famous Dave’s infamous chocolate covered bacon. Originally, I had refused to eat at Famous Dave’s since I can eat there at anytime, but damn, I was hooked at chocolate. So I ordered two pieces of bacon and anxiously awaited taking the Facebook pictures to brag about it. Unfortunately for America, it was turrible. Really! I know what you are thinking – how could something sound so great wind up being so bad. But just like the Karate Kid remake, it is possible. I thought the sweetness of the chocolate and the saltiness of the bacon should be a wicked good combination. However, unlike Pretzel M&Ms (which are the shit), there is nothing else to balance out the salty sweetness. So after a couple of bites, it got stale fast. I tapped out after half a piece of bacon (which is way below my normal daily intake of bacon).

Thankfully, I made up for it with my second dessert. Next to the place where I purchased that awesome beef brisket was a tent that was creating some novel fried items – snickers, milky ways, twinkies, and butter. Fried butter? Oh yeah, I was down for that. My only fear was that they were going to fry the entire stick of butter which I guess isn’t healthy. Thankfully, this was not the case as they only used a piece of butter and rolled it up into a ball. Not only was it delicious but the butterball made me feel a little better about my eating habits. And just in case you are one of those haters (Aashish) that does not believe I ate the fried butter, here’s a better butter (say that five times fast) picture for you.  

After polishing off the butterball, my body immediately went into shut down mode. I guess fried butter just does not sit well after two bbq sandwiches, a hot dog, and chocolate covered bacon. By the time I got home, I was fully under the wrath of the Itis. And it stayed that way until I took part in of one of the most cleaver wall posts of all time. But until that madness, the Itis left me debilitated and unable to leave my bed. Normally that would be fine. Except this time, the television was tuned into the Food Network and even I did not have the stomach for it.

Amish Paradise

Back in middle school, a group of girls decided to start their own magazine and would sell subscriptions of it to their fellow students. Their magazine, titled “Bearded”, largely consisted of one-joke (putting beards on different things) over 10-20 pages. While not the most creative topic, “Bearded” did last six or seven editions, which was five or six more editions of the magazine that my buddy Lorenzo and I tried out around the same time. Lorenzo’s and my magazine was so good that I cannot remember anything written or even the name of the publication. That said, by being a fellow magazine writer, I was given free copies of all six editions of “Bearded” while the girls were stuck with their one free edition of whatever the fuck we called our magazine. Yes, even in the seventh grade, I was an A+ moocher.

Anyway, I bring this up because last week I decided to experiment with a beard of my own. I do not recall ever attempting a beard before; rather, I only kept the scruff due to a lack of caring or time. Even though I like the concept of facial hair, I never kept a beard for a few reasons. First, after a week or so, my neck would become itchy, which would lead to a shave. Second, I was never blessed with my Jewish friends’ power of growing facial hair (even now I wonder how long this will last until my face gives up). Last, the company that I work for is kinda anti-beard. They won’t say this; however, I have been told a few times to shave in the past. In fact, the only times I have been disciplined at work have been for sloppy grooming or not watching my surroundings (aka being waisted in public). Feel free to call me the James Dean of power tools.

So last week, instead of my usual Brazilian facial, I successfully executed a neck shave. I was pleased with my efforts and even told a few others. Their response was “Pictures or STFU.” And who I am to not please my fanbase? So on Saturday night, I texted the below picture along with the subject “Beard – yay or nay?” to a few friends for their feedback. Here are their responses in a segment I would like to call “Texts From Last Night.” I know, I know, I’m creative!

Texts from Last Night

Text #1 – “Time to shave.” Thanks Melissa, thanks a lot.

Text #2 – “Looking good. Have to grow hair longer.” Yes, my mom dreams that her child’s going to grow up looking like a junkie.

Text #3 – “Yay as long as you keep it scruffy… like that length, not a full-on Amish pride beard.” Yeah, that’s not going to happen. I’ve hated the Amish after being stuck behind a horse and buggy for miles in Lancaster, PA.

Text #4 – “Awwwww.” I’ll take that as a yay.

Text #5 – “Yay, you look gangsta. Maybe roll with the chinstrap beard?” Now that would look good with a turtleneck, thin chain, and light beer.

Text #6 – “Hey buddy sorry for getting back so late we’re over at the black cat for dave’s bday.” Irrelevant, but now you know my Saturday night plans.

Text #7 – “I like da burrrd. It’s a keeper.” Clearly, someone was not watching their surroundings or wanted to see my peacock. Probably both.

Text #8 – “Don’t forget to make a dentist appointment. Love you, Mom.” Dear Mom, can you please stop texting me after 10pm?

Text #9 – “Hmm, let me think about it.” R U Serious Bro? Make a damn decision. After called this person out on it, I received the following text…

Text #10 – “I say yay fuckface.” Much better.

(By the way, 1000 bonus points if you can correctly identify who wrote all 10 texts.)

Judging by the feedback, it appears that Beard: Week One has been a success. Here is hoping that week two works out just as well (stay tuned to my Facebook page for all late breaking bearded news). And in case you are wondering, I plan on keeping the beard until I am bored with it, the itching drives me crazy, or once, I achieve the ultimate goal – 

Joaquin Phoenix bearded immortality!

Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes

 

A downside to living in NOVA is the lack of a nearby body of water (ocean or lake) to go swimming in. Both Ocean City, MD and Virginia Beach are 3.5 hours away – too far a distance for an impromptu trip when there’s a lack of other fun things to do. This is an unfamiliar experience for me as in Boston within 90 minutes you had your choice of hanging out with bears in Provincetown, fist pumping with Jersey Shore rejects at the ABC Club in Newport, RI, spending a day on Kurt’s boat in Rye, NH, or at worst, a ton of other shitty to mediocre beaches up and down the coast of Massachusetts. Yup, it was really convenient back in the day.

With all large bodies of water in NOVA dried up, I seeked out the next best alternative – community pools. While not the most attractive idea as community pools can tend to be dirty (at least in New Jersey), it was a step up from dousing myself with a hose behind the garage (sexy, I know) or stealing Little Jimmy’s slip n slide.  That said, if Little Jimmy had a Crocodile Mile, I would totally be there. Fortunately, a search for a community pool led me to an even better discovery – a waterpark in my very own city!

You would think that I would not need fucking Google to point out a waterpark less than three miles from my house, but you’d be wrong. I also wondered why I have never heard of a waterpark less than three miles from my house! No radio commercials, no brochures, no billboards, nothing. Hell, my roommates did not even know about it. It’s like the park would rather not let you know it exists. But it exists. It exists all right.

Take a look at the above picture. Look again and let it soak in. Because that’s the whole park! Okay, I am exaggerating a tad. In addition to what you see above, to the right of the picture is a kiddie section (with a bucket ready to spill at any time) and there is also another pool that is used for swimming laps. But that’s everything unless you count the nonstop barrage of Jimmy Buffet music as an attraction. So yes, two slides, two pools, a kiddie section, and a musical Margaritaville all this for the low entrance fee of $30!

I’m just kidding. It was only $8. Hell, for an additional four dollars, Ocean Dunes will throw in a free round of minigolf and access to the batting cages! Take that Water Country USA.

For that price, I am fine with what I got even with the beach chair shortage as there weren’t enough chairs when I got to the waterpark 10 minutes after it opened. Undeterred, I had no issue doing my best Emerson impression by planking on the grass for four hours. I was one with nature and one with my tan. Which I hope will look impressive as I applied a shit ton of Maui Babe tanning oil to my body. I take tanning pretty, pretty, pretty seriously.

Now if only I had someone to help apply the tanning oil on my back. But that’s a whole ‘nother story. And it sadly will probably cost me more than $8.  

Center Field

Radiohead lied in their 1999 documentary “Meeting People is Easy.” It’s not. For if it was, we would all make a ton of friends at the bars nightly. But that’s not happening nor is that realistic. In actuality, to meet people, you need to put yourself out there or at least, take on a certain role in a group. Since I do not like putting myself out there, I’d rather spend my time perfecting my role as a social drunk. I find it to be something that I am good at. All you need is a few drinks (I might be the biggest 210 lb lightweight ever), a couple off-kilter remarks that could be considered racist if you weren’t so loveable, and a complete disregard for what other people think… at least on the outside. Inside you can be as emotionally scared as you’d like.

Recently, I think I have taken my social drunk skills to an entirely new level. Call me a late bloomer, if you’d like but I like to think of myself as a former first round draft pick that has finally hit his potential years later.  I could also blame my surroundings (Wade) or the miscreants and hooligans (Lebron) that I have decided to hang out with recently. But nope, like Akon, you can put the blame on me.

But please don’t. I (Bosh) can’t handle that pressure.

Rather blame the game of baseball. I mean seriously, it’s boring as shit. Take this past Tuesday’s Nationals vs. Phillies game that I attended. I could not tell you one distinct play in the game. And I attended it. Then again, I never made it to my seats that night.

That’s because some genius created “The Bullpen” – a hangout spot outside of the stadium full of 90s cover bands, rows of cornhole, and most importantly, my new favorite drink, frozen Red Bull Vodkas. Yes, you read that correctly, FROZEN red bull vodkas. I would easily give up a kidney to the person who thought of this concoction. And really, why hasn’t anyone thought of it earlier? Seriously, people, y’all been slacking.

By the way, said cost of these lovely drinks - $10. The cost of my ticket to attend the baseball game - $10. And it did not stop there! My $10 cover also allowed me to attend the baseball game or should I say get a prime spot at the National’s Red Loft Bar – an open air bar in center field. The Red Loft Bar had all sorts of drinks you’d fine at classy establishments like Gypsy Bar – Jack, Jim, Jose, Johnny, and Jaeger. Suffice to say I comprised the sixth J and by the end of the game, I’d be shocked if I could remember all five names.

So Fly.

Yes, I was waisted (and by the way, this is my blog and this is how I spell waisted) on a Tuesday night. This is not a good idea when you have work the next day. And it’s also not a good idea when you decide to drunk text on said Tuesday night. And it’s an even worse idea when you decide to drunk online shop on said Tuesday night. Oh man, thank God, that transaction did not go thru. Because as nice as a Childish Gambino red hoodie would have been, I really did not want to foot the $50 price tag. Plus, had I purchased the jacket and decided to wear it out, it would have taken me out of my “social drunk” role and into something that I do not have much experience with. Hipster.

Judging by how some people dress/act in DC, this might not be the worst idea. Maybe then it might be easier meeting people and then everything would be in its right place.