This might be my favorite post in the short history of this blog. Regardless of whether that turns out to be true, the following story brings a smile to my face every time I think about it. I hope you enjoy this just as much as I do.
For the last year and a half, I have been living with a retardedphone. While it is technically classified as a “smart” phone, it clearly has never been. From a touch screen that would freeze up every few minutes (in order to get it going, you would have to rub it up and down), the resending of text messages every time the phone restarted (leading to a bunch of confused conversations with the same person) and a “send” button that never worked (hey, who needs to pick up a phone call), these were just a few of the everyday issues with my phone. In summary, let’s just say that my HTC Touch Pro 2 phone could not even graduate beauty school.
So why did I keep a phone that was more retarded than its owner? Simple, I had no choice in phone as it was required by my last position (it’s free, I can’t complain that much). In addition, every time you do a warranty exchange with the phone, your upgrade date gets pushed back. This happened to me back in March when I was given the opportunity to upgrade. Or so I thought? Instead of being freed from the shackles of stupidity, due to an exchange the previous year, I was forced to keep my phone until August 15th. Or I could get another retardedphone and wait even more months for an upgrade. Clearly, that was not going to happen.
When I woke up for work on August 15th at 9:26am (I kid, it was closer to 10am), I immediately ordered my newest prized possession – an HTC Evo 4G. Note: I did not have an option in getting the 3d version, which was fine by me as I hate wearing those silly glasses. The phone arrived just in time for my birthday (btw - if you haven’t wished me a happy one by now, you are officially dead to me) and what a gift it was. Let me tell you about all the fun things my phone can do –
A fully functional Facebook app with check-ins!
A Twitter app that connects me with my page and notifies me of any incoming tweets!
A 8MP back camera and a 2ish MP front camera (which comes in handy since I could never take those stand next to me and smile pictures)
Words with Friends (more on this in a second)!
Angry Birds and other apps!
Swipe texting (which is super awesome)!
Pandora!
And the ability to make and take phone calls!
Most of you are probably thinking “Jeff, my phone does all of the above. Yours is not that special.” To which I say to you “This is my blog, fuck your phone and your couch.” I realize that is a tad mean thing to say but you have no idea the pain I went through with my retardedphone. It’s like dealing with a bunch of tools at work – I struggle with it everyday.
You see what I did there?
On a sidenote, even though I play it everyday, I hate Words with Friends. And it is not because I suck at it (my current record is 2-12). What kills me about the game is that it does not accept slang or dirty words which comprise about 90% of my vocabulary. Granted, I have snuck in a few dirty including merde (shit in francais), hoes, and penis (unfortunately, there is no such word as vagainatown). But in general, I am just not good at it. So I hate it.
That is about all I hate about the phone. Sure the battery drains rapidly thanks to being the king of social media but it’s a small price to pay. I am extremely satisfied with my new baby and the only thing that will be better is when I get around to destroying my old phone. To which, I have a few ideas in mind. Should I go all Mr. Chi City on it and deep fry that motherfucker? Probably not since I do not think a fried phone would go well with my greek yogurt diet. Should I decide to feel good like a gangsta and go medieval on it with a bat? Nah, I was part of a similar destruction in Wackass. Or should I do something completely out of the box – something that I have not even thought of yet? If only there was an app for that.
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