Amish Paradise

Back in middle school, a group of girls decided to start their own magazine and would sell subscriptions of it to their fellow students. Their magazine, titled “Bearded”, largely consisted of one-joke (putting beards on different things) over 10-20 pages. While not the most creative topic, “Bearded” did last six or seven editions, which was five or six more editions of the magazine that my buddy Lorenzo and I tried out around the same time. Lorenzo’s and my magazine was so good that I cannot remember anything written or even the name of the publication. That said, by being a fellow magazine writer, I was given free copies of all six editions of “Bearded” while the girls were stuck with their one free edition of whatever the fuck we called our magazine. Yes, even in the seventh grade, I was an A+ moocher.

Anyway, I bring this up because last week I decided to experiment with a beard of my own. I do not recall ever attempting a beard before; rather, I only kept the scruff due to a lack of caring or time. Even though I like the concept of facial hair, I never kept a beard for a few reasons. First, after a week or so, my neck would become itchy, which would lead to a shave. Second, I was never blessed with my Jewish friends’ power of growing facial hair (even now I wonder how long this will last until my face gives up). Last, the company that I work for is kinda anti-beard. They won’t say this; however, I have been told a few times to shave in the past. In fact, the only times I have been disciplined at work have been for sloppy grooming or not watching my surroundings (aka being waisted in public). Feel free to call me the James Dean of power tools.

So last week, instead of my usual Brazilian facial, I successfully executed a neck shave. I was pleased with my efforts and even told a few others. Their response was “Pictures or STFU.” And who I am to not please my fanbase? So on Saturday night, I texted the below picture along with the subject “Beard – yay or nay?” to a few friends for their feedback. Here are their responses in a segment I would like to call “Texts From Last Night.” I know, I know, I’m creative!

Texts from Last Night

Text #1 – “Time to shave.” Thanks Melissa, thanks a lot.

Text #2 – “Looking good. Have to grow hair longer.” Yes, my mom dreams that her child’s going to grow up looking like a junkie.

Text #3 – “Yay as long as you keep it scruffy… like that length, not a full-on Amish pride beard.” Yeah, that’s not going to happen. I’ve hated the Amish after being stuck behind a horse and buggy for miles in Lancaster, PA.

Text #4 – “Awwwww.” I’ll take that as a yay.

Text #5 – “Yay, you look gangsta. Maybe roll with the chinstrap beard?” Now that would look good with a turtleneck, thin chain, and light beer.

Text #6 – “Hey buddy sorry for getting back so late we’re over at the black cat for dave’s bday.” Irrelevant, but now you know my Saturday night plans.

Text #7 – “I like da burrrd. It’s a keeper.” Clearly, someone was not watching their surroundings or wanted to see my peacock. Probably both.

Text #8 – “Don’t forget to make a dentist appointment. Love you, Mom.” Dear Mom, can you please stop texting me after 10pm?

Text #9 – “Hmm, let me think about it.” R U Serious Bro? Make a damn decision. After called this person out on it, I received the following text…

Text #10 – “I say yay fuckface.” Much better.

(By the way, 1000 bonus points if you can correctly identify who wrote all 10 texts.)

Judging by the feedback, it appears that Beard: Week One has been a success. Here is hoping that week two works out just as well (stay tuned to my Facebook page for all late breaking bearded news). And in case you are wondering, I plan on keeping the beard until I am bored with it, the itching drives me crazy, or once, I achieve the ultimate goal – 

Joaquin Phoenix bearded immortality!