Livin La Vida Loca

Yes, I was not going to leave you hanging for a long time. If you were wondering why I devoted an entire blog to the backstory of my trip – well, if I had combined both blogs into one post, it would have read more like a novel. Which is completely unacceptable in this blogosphere. So I split up the sections into two. In addition, two posts = twice the hits in one week! What? I’m an attention whore.

Where we last left off – oh yeah, nothing had happened.

Equipped with a silver Ford Mustang convertible, Matt and I left Miami to embark on the Florida Keys. For those unfamiliar with geography, the Keys are the southernmost parts of the United States. Even though Miami is pretty damn far south in Florida, Key West is another 3 and a half hours further south. I know, really fucking far away. Hell, you could listen to the latest Black Keys and Alicia Keys albums once in the time it would take to drive there!

In case you were wondering, I drove, which allowed me to work on my side mirror tan. I foolishly left my arm hanging out of the car so the sun’s reflection gave me a nice rectangular burn right underneath my shoulder. Matt was left to DJ the car ride down and he did a fine job. Thankfully, he did not play any songs off of Manster: the Ultimate Collection. That would have led to quite a talking to!

After a long ass car ride, we finally arrived at Key West. Unlike most of Florida, there is not much of a beach scene in Key West so the tanning was left to the hotel pool. And tanning was muy importanté. Look, I’m from Jersey. We tan. That’s what we do. Equipped with a large bottle of Maui Babe tanning oil, I was able to get my color on. Thank God I did or else my fresh chest shave would have gone in vain. (Originally, I was going to start off the last blog post with the misadventures of shaving but it probably would have been awful. You’re welcome.) Ahem, I have color now and I feel awesome.

By now, you are probably fed up with the lack of action from this blog. You are wondering why I am not talking about my drunken adventures downtown. Thankfully, you are in luck as I was just about to write about that… in my next blog post!

Just kidding.

Key West is an interesting place. Since it was not Spring Break or the summer, it was not filled with many hot co-eds. It was moreso filled with families, couples, and townies - lots of townies. To make up for the lack of scene, Key West has no open container laws. So as long as it’s in a cup, it can be out in the open. (God, why didn’t I think of a “Dick in a Cup” parody when I was down there?) This was much needed as most bars served frozen beverages similar to what you can find in New Orleans. These beverages were filled with grain alcohol, 151, and some food coloring. Yes Virginia, there were tons of drunken tomfoolery as we were left to explore the town and drink at the same time.

My favorite drunken mishap – kicking a tree with my sandals on. Yes, what the fuck is wrong with me? Instead of going around the tree to the left, I decided to try to slide past it to the right and wound up kicking it and breaking my pinky toe. The best part was I envisioned myself doing the exact thing before I did it! It was like a really shitty version of Final Destination. But hey, I will take a broken toe (or two) over a convoluted series of events that ends up with a beheading. Thank God for those frozen drinks – they made all the pain go away.

If you are wondering what Matt’s favorite drunken activity was, the answer is ordering room service at 3am Saturday night. And what did he order? Well, $20 worth of chips and beef jerky. SMH.

Other highlights of the trip include taking a ghost tour (Spooky! Scary!) and swimming with the fishes. The ghost tour was kinda cheesy except for being locked in a room with Robert the Doll. Robert is a creepy doll that was the inspiration for Child’s Play. And he’s plagued by spirits from the dead. Or whatever. He reminded me of Chucky and that’s enough to creep me out. By the way, I know this is off topic, but who the fuck sent me that Chucky doll three years ago? I’m still waiting for an answer.

Swimming with the fishes (or known in the Keys as snorkeling) was a lot more fun. Even though I was hindered by a broken toe and a water clogged ear, I was able to muster up enough strength to swim above the second largest coral reef on the Earth. I really wanted to take pictures for everyone to see but I never bought an underwater camera. And as much as I want to destroy my phone, I could not bring myself to submersing it in water. But to make things up to you, here is someone else’s picture of coral reefs.

In conclusion, Key West was a lot of fun. We went to the Waffle House a few times, got drunk a few more times, and did I mention that I got a tan?  And yes, that’s how I spent my summer vacation.